Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Movie Review - The Pyramid

RUN EVERYBODY, It's The PYRAMID and It's coming right for us!

When we unearthed this project, what we found will change your life forever!

Damn you Blair Witch Project! Sure you've inspired some decent "found footage" films since 1999 like, Cloverfield, Troll Hunter, Quarantine, Paranormal Activity (part 1), The Bay, and Chronicle but, on the other end, we've been eyeball raped by dozens of weak knockoffs exploiting the hopes and wallets of moviegoers. It's a cool genre when done right. Into the Storm, Earth to Echo, The Chernobyl Diaries, The Last Exorcism, and Apollo 18, are some of the junk that somehow escaped the worthless void of straight-to-video worthy films and went mainstream. Where is the studio exec that looks at movies like those and says, "NO!"? Oh yeah, he's wiping his tookus with our money with one hand, and signing off on another crapfest with the other. I guess that's how this next film got approved.

The Pyramid, is a lame attempt to capitalize off of multiple horror films while using the once creepy handheld camera method. The premise is interesting and the overall look isn't bad but, that's where the positives pretty much end. It's like somebody had an idea for a movie, but didn't know the specifics, and wrote it anyway. "Hey! I can't think of any substantial dialogue and character depth so, let's just have them wander around the inside of a dark pyramid, scream, argue pointlessly, and make stupid decisions, til they all die off." To fill in the blanks, the filmmakers decided to copy from flicks like The Descent, The Mummy, and all of the "handhelds". Those other films worked because they had something that this one doesn't- good storytelling and charming characters. Instead of us rooting for the pyramid's captives, we just root for the next bloody death scene.

Even the presence of veteran actor Denis O'Hare (True Blood, American Horror Story), can't give The Pyramid any life. Like everyone else, his character is one-note and unconvincing in his field of expertise. The other actors (names not worth mentioning) are unsympathetic as well. When the "what's the point?" infection in the pyramid starts affecting them, we wish that they would just die from it early so it will all end sooner. And talk about some poor decision making (and/or lazy writing). I wanted to yell at the screen more than a few times. Things like, "There's sand everywhere! Just follow your footsteps!", and "If the floor is cracking, don't all bunch into the middle of the room, dumbass!". Apparently, the viewers are supposed to think more than the characters and writers.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of The Pyramid


The Good- The tomb scene and the Anubis story. That.... is.... it.

The Bad- Eighty-nine minute movie, went eighty-four minutes too long.

The Ugly- If this is a "found footage" movie, then why was there ghost camera angles and a musical score in it?

Final Thoughts on The Pyramid

If you're into the genre, then wait for this to be streamed or shown on cable. Otherwise, do not waste your time. An idea and one decent scene, does not a good movie make. When this civilization dies off and gets buried in the sand, I truly hope that this film isn't dug back up by alien archeologists. Well, that and Honey Boo Boo.
Rating- 2 out of 10

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