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Thursday, July 30, 2015

Keeping It Reel - Dear Adam Sandler - A Break Up Letter or Two

Dear Adam Sandler,
What happened to that funny guy that used to be the rockstar? The SNL guy that used to come on and do the goofy voices and the lunch lady song? Where has that Adam Sandler gone? Don't tell me that you "grew up" and became mature, because it sure as hell doesn't seem like you have at all. Especially with Pixels, Jack and Jill, The Cobbler, Click, 8 Crazy Nights and more. Maybe it's because you've run out of ideas completely and blew your load at the beginning of your movie career with Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer and got lucky with The Zohan (and possibly "Grown Ups").

The movies that you have recently made are just poor. You're a parody of yourself now, you seem like you aren't even interested in doing these movies. Hell, even Kevin James doesn't seem to be interested in doing these movies and he's done two Paul Blart movies, but I don't want to get off course here, we are talking about you. So here's the deal:

I won't go see any more of your movies and you don't make any more awful movies. Pixels is the bottom of the barrel and yes, you're getting blamed for this awful bag of shit movie. Everyone that was involved in the production of this movie, made it seem as if they didn't give a rats ass about how this movie got made, as long as it got made. Taking a great short by Patrick Jean and re-purposing it to make it fit into this 1980's pop culture rehash where your character is still the lovable loser now working for the Nerd Brigade (original), who is the best friend of the most power man on the planet and who just happens to also be installing $10,000 worth of stereo and video game equipment in the house of the woman that will eventually become your girlfriend oh and she just happens to be a high ranking Colonel and is in the Sit-Rep room in the Whitehouse trying to figure out what's attacking the United States, where conveniently your character is asked to show up and give the President Of The United States advice on how to handle this militarily.

Yah, we ALL buy that. As it is, I have had enough of your humble guy, lovable loser type that has no ambition in life other than to drink, be alone and of course be able to date the hottest women on the planet because you have a quick wit and you care about their problems and you're really not this loser, but you tend to believe what everyone tells you because it's EVERY CHARACTER YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED except for the Zohan.

The only way to redeem yourself is to actually step outside of your comfort zone and do something like Punch Drunk Love or hell, try and get a role in a Tarantino film. You could have a whole new career, but alas, you won't so thank you for the memories and take your stack of $100million and jam it up your ass.

With Love,

Mike.
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Dear Mr. Sandler,
When I think of all the films you've made (because let's face it, they're your films because they're designed to your style and likeness) since the 90's and up til now, I can't help but recall a famous line from Tarantino's, Jackie Brown, when Sam Jackson shoots Robert DeNiro for his stupidity and says, "What the fuck happened to you man? Your ass used to be beautiful." Your ass used to be so energetic and full of life in films like, Happy Gilmore and, The Wedding Singer. I rooted for you to kick the bad guy's ass, get the hot girl, and above all else, make me laugh. Your early films were a nice ninety-minute plus distraction from the tediousness of mine and countless other's lives. I started to notice your general lack of originality and enthusiasm as early as in 2002's, Mr. Deeds. That was the same year that you ventured into a serious role with, Punch Drunk Love. Maybe you thought that you were going to be the next Jim Carey, or maybe even the next Tom Hanks? Instead, you came off as a Will Ferrell or a Jack Black wannabe that was taking a break from the latest fart joke. Your last truly funny film, was 2008's, You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Then in 2009, you took a half comedic, half serious, role in Judd Apatow's overlong but underrated, Funny People. You even poked fun at yourself in those mock trailers like, Mer-Man and a few others. I thought that you were seriously taking a stand with those little digs at yourself but no, you soon after made the inexcusable, Jack and Jill, and I realized that you don't give a shit anymore about your fans, let alone your legacy. Who in the fuck would ever say yes to that toilet paper of a film; The Gigli of comedies? You're a goddamn millionaire! You can say what goes and what stays with your films. Now we're all whores in our own way, however, while most of us are willing to step over a certain line to better our situations in life, you keep sucking on whatever herpetic infected dick you can find to make another million. It's like you're addicted to your own filth. You could retire on just the Walmart bargain bin DVD sales royalties alone, but no. You'd rather keep rolling in shit and continue to drag us down with you when we reach in to help you by purchasing another misguided movie ticket. With your latest travesty, Pixels, you've dragged your fans into your shit so deep, that we've all gotten pink eye. Maybe that was your plan all along; Blinding us from seeing how worthless you and your films have become?
To all of the hacks out there who get paid off of lazy, uninspired, garbage, in the entertainment industry;  Fuck you Adam McKay, fuck you Michael Bay, Fuck You Damon Lindeloff, fuck you Roland Emmerich, and fuck you to everyone else who corrupts the art of filmmaking and treats it like just another car deal. And fuck you Adam Sandler, your ass used to be beautiful.
                                                                                                                                  -Sincerely, Joe

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