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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Movie Review- Hitman: Agent 47

The barcode's so Rupert Friend can find it if misplaced with a bunch of other lost heads in, Hitman: Agent 47

Introduction

With all of the countless remakes, reboots, and reimaginings nowadays, I can't help but be reminded of that famous Oprah Winfrey line from a few years back. It's like the studios are pointing at as many established properties that they can find and are saying, "You get reboot! You get a reboot! Everybody gets a reboot!". Now, I'm perfectly fine with an older film getting a modernized upgrade. But when it's something that was done less than a decade ago that's getting a do-over, all I see is greed, a general lack of imagination, and a complete disregard for the average ticket buyer. Did they honestly think that we wouldn't notice nor would accept those unexceptional excuses for another Spider-Man and Fantastic Four? A lot of us are as oblivious as sheep but, give us some credit. I understand that original ideas are becoming harder to apply to movies but, restarting something that's still fresh is just a lazy insult. Even if they can't get back the same directors or actors for the inevitable sequels, they should just keep going forward with the story as best they can. Otherwise, we'll keep getting the same old lame alternative.

Hitman: Agent 47

For some odd reason, the 2007 original film wasn't good enough so, we get another one of those reboots with, Hitman: Agent 47. I don't think that many of us asked for another journey into the world of a 'videogame-based-on' film's most uncharismatic assassin but, they're going to give it to us anyway. For the life of me, I can't remember the original film at all. I just know that it wasn't memorable and now, it has a worthy companion. This movie is a boring, pointless, waste of time, which its only purpose, is to serve as an overlong Audi commercial. There is absolutely no redeeming qualities to any of its characters. The dialogue is on par with 1995's Mortal Kombat film (Hint; It's not good.). The story tries to make itself look smart with an overcomplicated plot that ironically, makes it look desperate and harebrained instead. The action looks choreographed and doesn't flow. Back that up with some bad CG, and we've got a videogame adaptation that would make only Uwe Boll (House of the Dead, BloodRayne) proud. And like a 'Boll' of shit film, some motivations make no sense. The characters stand around when they should flee, they walk when they obviously should be running, and we just keep on taking it in the hope that there will eventually be some kind of pay off. Sorry, hope was gone long before the previews were done and the lights dimmed down. I knew this movie would suck, and I saw it anyway. My only hope was that it would be so bad that it would have me in stitches, like with San Andreas or most Michael Bay films. This movie couldn't even do that right.
Rupert Friend (Homeland), comes off as a poor man's version of a fresh out of rehab Orlando Bloom (The Lord of the Rings), who has zero screen presence and even less dialogue. I know that the Hitman character is supposed to be quiet yet, Friend is so bland and lifeless that he makes Timothy Olyphant's (Justified) 2007 Hitman seem like a party boy in comparison. Hannah Ware (Cop Out), as the film's main protagonist, is also someone that's so poorly written and portrayed, that at no time did I care for her well-being. In fact, I didn't care for a single person in the entire film. If the film itself doesn't truly give a damn about anybody, why should we? Oops, I almost forgot to mention a couple of the film's villains (Great, now I have to write more about this suckfest of a film.). Not the henchmen that are used for nothing other than bullet fodder, who are conveniently dispatched with an occasional no-look gunshot from an unrealistically silent sound suppressor. No, I mean the higher pay grade villains that easily get away because the script hasn't called for their comeuppance just yet. Typecasted actor Thomas Kretschman (Resident Evil: Apocalypse), plays the head villain with some questionable decision making skills and Zacahary Quinto (The Slap), is okay at first until he becomes the predictable character that we all knew he would be. It's not saying much but, the first half is better than the second. I think by then, everyone involved just wanted to get it all over with. I don't blame them.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of Hitman: Agent 47

The Good- Well at least they honored the game series by having some characters and content from those. More like this was the only thing that they got kind of right.
The Bad- A man that's as OCD as they are when it comes to being cautious, suddenly forgets to scan something as simple as an inhaler that's brought into his ultra-secured building. Did he suddenly forget that he deals with special agents and assassins all the time, that can hide weapons and devices in virtually anything, regardless of its size? Sure, I'll buy that along with everything else.
The Ugly- It blows my mind that a studio can just wipe their asses with thirty-five million dollars, and this movie is what it's covered in. Something smells bad; It's called, Hitman: Agent 47.

Final Thoughts on Hitman: Agent 47

This movie is at the bottom of my list for 2015, so far. Pixels was at that position but, after weighing all of the options, Pixels did have a couple of moments that entertained me. Agent 47 did not. Not. One. Single. Moment. What a total waste of everybody's time. From the studios, down to the cockroaches that will futilely use its discarded promotional material as a new breeding ground for shelter from the elements, Hitman: Agent 47 is completely worthless. What am I talking about? Even roaches wouldn't touch this crap.
Rating- 0.5 out of 10

Running Time- 96 Minutes
Action/Thriller (not really)

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Joe Speigle  


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