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Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Movie Review- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

"Hello in there! Could you possibly tell us what we're doing wrong?"

Intro


I am so damned tired of complaining about Michael Bay. I'm actually tired of being tired. And that makes me tired as well. Do we keep ignorantly expecting his projects to show any semblance of coherence and improvement? Or are we just happy that he keeps blowing shit up? My expectations have long since gone the way of the Dodo. I'm not even mad at him anymore. Regardless of how retarded it may be, he's doing exactly what he's paid to do, which is to muffle the senses long enough so that people keep blindly spending money. In truth, it's all of our faults. We are the idiots who continuously pay hundreds of dollars to get sardined into an overcrowded Disneyland. We are the morons that give validity to no-talent, soulless, "reality" show celebrities. We are the assholes who keep voting every four years for whatever golden calf that our political parties shove in our faces. And we are the ever grazing sheep that keep buying tickets for another big budget extravaganza because it's got pretty colors and bright lights. I'm done blaming the wrong people. I blame us all. BOO!!!


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows


Surprise! Of course I was going to have problems with the inevitable sequel, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. Part 1 was extremely disappointing, but that is actually a good thing. Because of that weak effort, I have learned to accept the predictability of things and to calm the hell down. This film is like the little kid down the block with mental issues that keeps doing stupid things that pisses you off. The first time around (Part 1), you were so pissed at him that you wanted to beat him with a stick and smack his lazy Mama. But by the time he comes around again (Part 2, this film), you've accepted him for his flaws and you start to show him some pity and understanding. There is nothing new this time around that's worth getting excited over. The story and dialogue is still catered to those who think skinny jeans and Pop 40 music is cool. Some characters work, most of them don't. The visuals are improved, but the film's score harkens back to the Transformers films and Bay's work in the 90's. And if you're expecting some kind of great homage to the comics and/or 80's cartoon, expect some more let down. This film takes some elements from those. However, instead of exciting, they'll more likely incite a lot of sighing. I will say though, that along with a couple of decent action scenes, there are a some redeemable personalities as well.

A quarter of a century after we were supposed to get them in The Secret of the Ooze, we finally get to see Bebop and Rocksteady! Aside from the Turtles (who still bring an enjoyable level of banter), Stephen Farrelly (Sheamus from WWE wrestling) and Gary Anthony Williams (Malcolm in the Middle) bring some much needed fun to their characters and this movie. Everyone else though, seemed to be short-changed or unnecessarily expanded. Thankfully, somebody finally realized that Megan Fox (Jonah Hex) works better as eye candy, and had her dialogue shortened. Splinter (Tony Shalhoub, Monk), who is capable of kicking the most ass but stays down in the sewer the entire time, is poorly utilized and has even less growth this time around than his sons do. Sure, the Turtles have to learn to work as a team, yet I can't truly recall when in this film that they get to learn it, instead of how they instantly cast aside their differences at the eleventh hour to save the day. Stephen Amell (Arrow) as Casey Jones, is a hack job version of the popular character, who's film origins and motivations are the thing of poor writing that belongs on a Saturday morning kid's show. Tyler Perry (those damn Madea films) as Baxter Stockman, is so corny and unconvincing, that Joel Schumacher might want to use him for his abandoned Batman Triumphant film (sequel to Batman & Robin) as Hugo Strange or maybe even Egghead. The Shredder (Brian Tee, The Wolverine) sheds his excessive robotic costume from before, but in its place we get a grumpy finger pointer who orders his minions to fail at tasks that he might have succeeded at, if he would just break out of his statue mode.


The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows


The Good- The Shredder escape, and the skydive/rapids battle. Is that it? I could've sworn there was more.

The Bad- Who the hell decided to make Casey Jones a cop that everyone ignores (even in a city where The Shredder is actually called "The Shredder" by the police and media), and Will Arnett (The Lego Batman Movie) a fake hero who gets more scenes and dialogue than some of the more important characters?! And are we really supposed to take Laura Linney's (Congo) Police Chief as seriously as she does? Is she aware that this is a Nickelodeon film with no chance of Oscar contention?

The Ugly- Another ending with another battle that takes place on the rooftops. Well, this one was on the Technodrome, but it was up in the air with skyscrapers all around them so, yeah. And don't let me get started on the Turtles battle with Krang (Brad Garrett, Everybody Loves Raymond); Where do these people get off by having Garrett as his voice? For most animated characters? Okay. But not for that squirmy sumbitch from Dimension X. Like the majority of this film, that voice goes over as kid fare that has no impact, at all.


Final Thoughts


I'm also tired of typing that long ass title. This newest Turtles sequel is only a shred better than the 2014 film. It is however still an insult to the fans and the young ones who will grow up and wonder later on why they could have liked this in the first place. It does make me hungry for pizza though. Except for Chuck E. Cheese's; Their pizza leaves me as empty and unsatisfied as a ............ Godammit! I almost bitched about him again!
Rating- 3.5 out of 10

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)


PG-13 |  1h 52min  | Action, Adventure, Comedy | 3 June 2016 (USA) 

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As Shredder joins forces with mad scientist Baxter Stockman and henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady to take over the world, the Turtles must confront an even greater nemesis: the notorious Krang.

Director: Dave Green 

Writers: Josh Appelbaum,  AndrĂ© Nemec 

Stars: Megan Fox,  Will Arnett,  Tyler Perry 


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