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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Movie Review- Blair Witch

I know a place where the studio can shove all these into

"You really think your sister could be out here after all these years?"


I know that many people didn't buy into The Blair Witch Project back in 1999. However, there were many that did and I was one of them. The movie poster alone grabbed my interest, with its brief plot description and ominous artwork. When I saw the film, I bought into the mythology and the simple concept of three people getting lost in the woods. I respected how effective the scare factor was on such a low budget ($60,000.) with unknown actors. Now once you've seen it, there isn't much to really recapture again with repeated viewings. Trust me, I've tried. But the DVD did have something to offer that made The Blair Witch Project a modern day horror classic; A cool mockumentary about the history of the Blair Witch in the special features. But then the Hollywood money train came in and defecated an obvious cash grab with Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. And that's when even the fans of the original lost interest. Well, that money train is rearing its ugly head around once again.

Blair Witch

Since I have already lost close to twelve dollars and roughly ninety minutes of my life to this movie, I would just like to save everybody's time by stating that this sequel is like the extra little turd that starts to bug your sphincter after you've already wiped, stood up, and left the bathroom. You could've waited longer, but who the hell wants to? Aside from a couple of interesting plot developments and the appearance of the Blair Witch herself, there is not a single redeemable thing about this. Take the entire plot of the original, add a couple of extra people, introduce a wasted drone gimmick that could only make the Paranormal Activity fans proud, and have all these people go through the same goddamned thing. What makes this even more retarded, is that these morons have watched the events from the original film and still end up the same way with surprised looks on their faces. Really, dumbasses?! I had to buy a ticket, but I refuse to buy this weak ass modernized copy. The cameras are now in full on high-definition color, so that it's easier to see the bullshit. Also, instead of having some suspenseful moments that trigger your fear instincts like in Don't Breathe, we get the same damn loud noise cheap scare tactic nonsense, that anyone with an IQ level of over 70 shouldn't fall for.

As with any sequel, there's more of everything. More actors means more stick figures and more consequences for disturbing them. There's only six people in this film total, and even that's too much. There's no character growth, and some of the acting is so bad at times, that I couldn't tell if the actor himself was pretending or if he really was just that awful. Nobody's known here and their early dialogue gets replaced about halfway through with screaming and crying. This movie's so dumb ("How dumb is it?!"), that the black characters don't even leave after the first incident. Only one little tidbit is added to the Blair Witch's mythology, and it's not enough to make it more interesting. Oh yeah, did I already mention that the characters make stupid decisions that might have been acceptable in the 70's and 80's, but not now?

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of Blair Witch


The Good- The voodoo doll back break, the Bermuda Triangle time inconsistencies, and the out of focus quick shots of the Blair Witch.

The Bad- The best that they could do is have a girl with an infected foot and tents that fly up into the air as scare tactics? Shit made me laugh.

The Ugly- This ends the same exact way as the original. The SAME, DAMN, WAY!

Final Thoughts

There's a reason why scary movies suck nowadays, and Blair Witch backs it up with every fake, uninspiring, scream. You won't miss a thing by skipping on this one. Just YouTube the images of the witch and you'll be fully up to date. Wasn't there another long awaited copycat sequel that came out this year that was just as Bouring? Why can't I remember what it was called?
Rating- 1 out of 10


Blair Witch (2016)

| | HorrorThriller | 16 September 2016 (USA)
After discovering a video showing what he believes to be his vanished sister Heather, James and a group of friends head to the forest believed to be inhabited by the Blair Witch.

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