|Harley Quinn Smith, Johnny Depp, and Lily-Rose Depp, in Yoga Hosers|
"I'm not even supposed to be here today!"
Is it wrong that I'm still waiting for Kevin Smith to make an intelligent, dialogue-filled, dramedy like he did during the first few years of his filmmaking days? Red State (2011) aside; What has he done for us lately? Oh, that's right. He makes movies for himself and his inner circle. You know, the only people in Hollywood that seem to take him seriously anymore. Well, while he's been "George Lucasing" his career, I've been waiting ever so patiently for him to make another film that presents his thought-provoking and creative side, like Chasing Amy or Dogma. And with his latest whatever you want to call it, it looks like he's still in "f*ck it" mode while still brain farting all over the cinematic canvas.
Did that sound harsh? Then you haven't seen Yoga Hosers yet. Smith is competent enough as a filmmaker to make even this stupid idea of a film watchable, but that doesn't forgive all of its trespasses. This should be in the Smith family library, locked in an overpriced safe and brought out once a year during Arbor Day. Because like that holiday, it only holds validity with the purists and the ones in on the joke. He wanted to make a film about a man turned into a walrus (Tusk); He did it. He wanted to make a film about his daughter and her real-life best friend, pretending to be Canadian yoga-hosing store clerks that squash Nazi bratwursts; He's done it. And soon he'll make another Canucking based film, where that time it will be about a giant killer moose (Moose Jaws). Can't wait for that one! Yes I can. For the most part, Yoga Hosers has only one thing going for it; Its two leads. The rest, is a shot in the dark. What baffles me, is how seriously everybody takes their parts. Apparently it was fun to film this...film. The quality of actual filming is very professional and if the story wasn't a pointless mess, this movie would probably be a lot more fun. Think of this as a movie about a day in the life of two white girls with white girl problems, that have to deal with the "wurst" thing imaginable; Dead cellphone batteries and a Cryogenically frozen Nazi scientist with an army of anal invading bratwursts. I can't make this shit up even though it sounds like an 80's B-movie.
When the two Colleens aren't blatantly propped up to sing songs that go on for far too long, they're honestly a good team together. Harley Quinn Smith (Daughter of Kevin) and Lily-Rose Depp (Daughter of Johnny) are best friends on screen as well as off, and it shows. These two don't miss a beat together. Harley is much better than I thought she could be as an actress, as she keeps up with her costar. Lily-Rose is somewhat of a surprise to me. Her talent as an actress among a few other things shown in the film, is impressive. Daddy Johnny must have been sending her to the right schools. With the exception of Michael Parks (Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2), everyone that has been in the last Smith film (Tusk), makes an appearance here as well. There are three of them that are worth mentioning. Everyone else is neither here nor there. Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers) as the girls' weirdo yoga guru, is probably the "wurst" character that Long has played in a Smith film, let alone his entire career. Ralph Garman (Family Guy) as the Nazi Scientist, is most definitely funny as he goes through his most popular celebrity impressions, but it gets to the point where enough is enough and starts to feel like an audition for another job. By far the biggest "wurst" of time here, is from the return of Johnny Depp's penis-nosed detective, Guy LaPointe. Similar to his appearance in Tusk, LaPointe stays around for far too long and whatever novelty there was, has jumbled itself into an annoyance like the constantly moving warts on his face. I swear that Depp stays around for that length of time just to hold his daughter's hand. Well guess what Johnny? You don't need to. You've done a good job.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of Yoga Hosers
The Good- "Sorry aboot that!", Smith's knowledge of about five words in German for his Bratzis, and Garman chews the scenery.
The Bad- I understand that with an extremely modest budget of about five million bucks, it can limit the visual F/X budget, but come on! The squishing scenes of the Bratzis were so bad that I laughed out loud in the theater.
The Ugly- Do I really think that Moose Jaws will be any better or "wurse" than this? There were five other people in the theater with me, and they were Smith fans. No comment past that.
Yoga Hosers is so-so as a teenage comedy and Kevin Smith loyalist film, but I can't see many others giving a damn about this one. All I know is that life is short, and you can't keep masturbating forever. Okay Kevin, you've proven that you love your family and friends, now it's time to come out of the bathroom and start making some real movies again. Eh?
Rating- 2.5 out of 10 ("wurst" Smith film ever)
Yoga Hosers (2016)PG-13 | 1h 28min | Comedy, Fantasy, Horror | 2 September 2016 (USA)
Two teenage yoga enthusiasts team up with a legendary man-hunter to battle with an ancient evil presence that is threatening their major party plans.
Director: Kevin Smith
Writer: Kevin Smith
Stars: Lily-Rose Depp, Harley Quinn Smith, Johnny Depp
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