Thursday, December 22, 2016

Piece Of Shit Or Not?- Assassin's Creed

Assassin's Creed, taking the ass to a whole new level.

Joe's Take-
Cue the narcissistic Kanye West "music". A criminal (Michael Fassbender, Prometheus) is transferred from prison to some scientists that want to delve into his lineage and locate some artifact that will make somebody who's powerful... more powerful. Wait, it gets weirder. At this hi-tech facility, he meets other prisoners that want to escape after he makes up his mind about it. But first, he has to be inserted into The Matrix and experience the life of his ancestor during the Spanish Inquisition. While there, he uses weapons far too advanced, and parkours along rooftops with other assassins that have personalities that contrast with the era as bad as a Bill & Ted film. And even though he's only going through past memories, he somehow needs to have a robotic arm shoved up his ass to assist him in his sleep-walking night terrors. And Marion Cotillard (Inception) is in this for some reason.

My Prediction- I thought that the concept of the original video game was over the top stupid, and on the big screen it looks even dumber. Pretty costumes and some A-list actors might seem appealing, but that doesn't mean a damn thing if the story sucks. Yeah, Assassin's Creed is going to be a Piece Of Medieval/Futuristic Pretentious Shit.

Mike's Take -
Assassin's Creed, another video game movie that has promise. Michael Fassbender stars in the movie as the main character who has to explore the memories of to find a secret to ... something? I don't know, the trailers weren't specific, it's a time travel movie where Fassbender is hooked into a giant metal arm to give him the ability to do superhuman jumps and acrobatics.
So, Fassbender is holding the secrets to an Assassins society and this company wants to ferret out the secrets so that they can use it for their own nefarious needs, only to have it backfire on them when Fassbender learns all the moves and fighting styles by having them downloaded into his brain and then he is able to kick all of their asses Bruce Lee style.
This movie is gonna suck.

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