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Friday, January 13, 2017

Movie Review- Underworld: Blood Wars

And I was having a really good nap


"All I want is your blood."


The better than average success of the Underworld franchise, has confused me since around the time of Rise of the Lycans from 2009. I mean the first one was okay, but the series never comes to mind unless I'm thinking about Kate Beckinsale's unmemorable filmography (Pearl Harbor, Click), or mediocre vampire movies. The style isn't usually lacking, yet everything else comes off as bland, and overblown in importance. Seriously, The Twilight Saga wasn't as good as it should have been, however you cared for the characters whether they were humans, vampires, or werewolves. Can the Underworld series claim to do the same for its people? And caring for Beckinsale in tight rubber, doesn't count.

Underworld: Blood Wars

After three films and a prequel, you'd think that this series would get to the point by now. Similar to the Resident Evil movies where each new film grasps more and more for material, Underworld: Blood Wars tries to keep your attention and interest. For the same reasons as before, this film does keep your attention, but only in the regards of wishing that something worthwhile will eventually happen. Hell, the flashbacks to the previous movies felt like filler, until I realized that the other films were so boring, that I needed the recaps to remember and stay on the same page. I also for the life of me, can't see any reason why the Vampires and Lycans are still fighting over the same old shit. No matter how many films go by, they're still at each other's throats. Their beef with each other is like a metaphor for Israel and Palestine: The same arguments keep dragging on for thousands of years and most of us have lost interest in the process.

I believe I'm supposed to be rooting for Beckinsale's character Selene, but in between her limited dialogue, there's this constant "deer in the headlights" look on her face like the jig is up, or she can't believe that people are still paying to see these films. Aside from Charles Dance (Game of Thrones) who's ahead of everybody else in acting ability and charisma by a mile, no one is worth mentioning, nor is anybody important enough to be valid in this series overall (if only Bill Nighy's Viktor could return). "Who was that guy? Who was that chick that did that thing to that other girl? What were they talking about? I fell asleep." Why am I still writing about this at all?!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of Underworld: Blood Wars

The Good- Some decent action, especially when a Lycan gets split down the middle. Was there anything else? Oh, some Swedish vamps in their distant castle, was interesting for a bit.

The Bad- I'm all for a gloomy atmosphere, but this film looks and feels like suicidal depression on its way to the morgue. Even though she looks good, Beckinsale's instant Swedish makeover upgrade, is a little hard to swallow.

The Ugly- I like a good sex scene, but I always choose good dialogue and drama over that every time. With this film though, most of the slow moments between action was so boring, that all I kept thinking was, "Shut the hell up and just start banging!". It never happened though, all they kept doing was "blahd blahd blahd".

Final Thoughts

Underworld: Blood Wars is no worse than the other films, and that truly means nothing. With a smaller budget, this series would be relegated to the straight-to-video purgatory on its way to the forgotten limbo that it deserves. I'd make a pun about sucking, but even those have started to blow.
Rating- 3 out of 10


Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

R | 1h 31min | Action, Horror | 6 January 2017 (USA)

Vampire death dealer, Selene (Kate Beckinsale) fights to end the eternal war between the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her.

Director: Anna Foerster
Writers: Cory Goodman (screenplay), Kyle Ward (story by)
Stars: Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Tobias Menzies 

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