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Thursday, January 19, 2017

Piece Of Shit Or Not?- XXX: The Return of Xander Cage

Don't mind me, I'm training for XXX part 3, this is a post workout cigarette


Joe's Take-
Apparently, the DVD short film "The Death of Xander Cage", was a slight exaggeration. My assumption is that fifteen years after the events of XXX, Ice Cube is too preoccupied with Kevin Hart to save the world... or just Congress again. So Samuel "MF'n" Jackson tracks Xander down and teams him with a Bieber lookalike and some other teen friendly actors, to stop some XXXtreme terrorists. I have a feeling that the pretty people "good" guys will eke out a win.

My Prediction- Even though Vin Diesel's nearing fifty, the stunt doubles and visual effects guys will step in if he breaks a hip. I wonder what the reason for Asia Argento's (Land of the Dead) non-return is for? Could it be that the studios will bank on an "old" guy, but never on a lady over the age of thirty-five with a couple of wrinkles? Hollywood couldn't be that shallow, could they? This movie looks exactly like that Point Break shitfest from 2015, mixed with the espionage-filled mutations of the latter Fast & Furious series. XXX: The Return of Xander Cage will undoubtedly be a Piece Of Shit, but I hope that there's some fun to be had with it.

Mike's Take -
Oh look, Vin Diesel returns as EXTREME SPORTS ATHLETE Xander Cage, fresh off his EXTREME downhill rollerblading that comes complete with a high speed high five and a parachute jump off a bridge only to do some Jungle skiing along the way, just to spice things up. Then Nick Fury comes along to recruit him for "one last mission" to look good while catching the bad guys.
Xander doesn't like the oppressive military and sends a bunch of Marines, who are strapped to a drop shipment (why?) out of a C-130 because he can't trust the guvment. So he gets Nick Fury to hire a bunch of EXTREME emo thugs that like to use 30 year old sarcastic remarks and pretend to be "ugly" and macho.
Also, the bad guys are ninja Jedi that Xander, once again, tricks in to making them believe that he's "one of them" and a total badass, because grenade game.
I don't remember when the first one came out, it was like 15 years ago? and then The Ice Cube version of XXX came out and now... this?
So because Star Wars The Force Awakens decides to reintroduce us to the Star Wars Universe by basically redoing the Episode IV's story line, it's time for every goddam series to do the same thing, just to make sure we're paying attention? This is lazy and it's too little too late.
Also, I saw a trailer that actually had Ice Cube make an appearance in this movie. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't, but it's not going to change the fact that this movie is going make me want to fall asleep
Judgement: Piece Of Shit.

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