|Fill in the blanks. Regardless if it still makes money.|
"One thing I can guarantee; No one's ready for this."
But what if everyone already is? There are plenty of film franchises out there that went far beyond their relevance. Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Saw, the original Planet of the Apes (1968), Halloween, and a ton of straight-to-video titles unworthy of mention, are all series' that just had to keep going, even after some announced a final episode. Those franchises were sucked dry of any original thought and substance by the end. Aside from the OO7, Star Wars, Star Trek, sometimes Alien, and Mission: Impossible franchises, can anybody name one that has a right to keep going (I know that there's a few more)? Unless you mention the spin offs and re-imaginings of say Harry Potter or The Planet of the Apes, then there's not much to add to a series that has long outlasted its usefulness.
Obviously that intro was about The Fast & Furious franchise. Once a series about car enthusiasts blended in with cops and robbers type plots, it has now become an overstuffed James Bond/xXx wannabe that spends more time (and money) on flash, than actual dialogue and heart. Yes there is a family dynamic that has been emphasized on throughout the series, but when it gets used as some sort of plot driving device for the current villain to mention in dialogue just to progress the story forward, I have to draw the line at the absurdity of it all. The bad lines don't even stop there. This movie tries so hard to sound smart with it's technical descriptions about nerdy thing this and blah blah blah that, that it might actually make you believe that the plot lines for Armageddon and Transformers were plausible. I'll be honest, I shouldn't be the one to review this film. I had a negative outlook on The Fate of the Furious long before the theater lights went dim. My enthusiasm for this series died after The Fast & Furious 6, when I knew that the proverbial shark had not only been jumped, but launched over by bland writing and desperate stunts. Why can't this series go back to the simpler times of smelly skanks and spying on Johnny Tran's garage? Sorry, these guys are international heist pullers/government agents/ spies, and there's no going back. Yeah, I'm not going back to the theater for this crap anymore either. (yeah, right)
Turning the series' most popular character of Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel, in another non-Oscar caliber performance) into a reluctant villain, is the the same kind of desperate shit that I would see as a kid when my favorite wrestler went to the dark side, only to emerge months later as a more powerful good guy("I always knew he'd come back!"). Only a kid could buy that, however Charlize Theron (The Italian Job 2003) helps to make it go down easier. She sells her villain well, yet even an artist can only do so much with a subpar canvas. There are points in this film where the dialogue is so painful to hear ("How painful is it?!"), that I couldn't help but tell that some of the actors were close to blowing their lines with laughter. There's some fun jibber-jabber moments between Dwayne Johnson (Ballers) and Jason Statham (The Expendables), Tyrese Gibson (Baby Boy) has a few funny lines, and Helen Mirren (Red) makes you scream for a spin off between her and her sons, yet it's not enough. If you can see through the large scale action scenes and pretty actors, there's not much left to see except a glorified soap opera that makes (and Costs) way more than it has any right to. Should I mention the many other actors involved and their contributions? Why? You already know that I hate this movie.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of The Fate of the Furious
The Good- The Cuba race (even though reverse has only one gear), Johnson's soccer team war cry, and Statham's adventures in babysitting.
The Bad- What Fate? Everybody lived, and there's more films coming. Did anyone else notice the World War Z rip off with all of the cars in pursuit of the furious family? The cheesy family dynamic forced moment with the cars shielding Dom from a massive explosion on a lake of ice that holds together stronger than the script. Did I also mention the cars running from A Russian nuclear submarine?! Never mind.
The Ugly- Wasn't Statham directly responsible for the death of Han (Sung Kang, Tokyo Drift and Fast & Furious 6)? And isn't he also responsible for the murder of a entire building full of agents and unknown others? So why in the hell is he invited to the family barbeque?!
When a movie is so dumb that I can't even pay attention to the outstanding action scenes because my IQ levels have been momentarily retarded to a single digit, then you know that something's wrong. Maybe I'm just getting too old for these types of films? Maybe I don't know how to have fun and not take things so furiously? Or maybe I'm right. If you liked the Expendables films and the newest xXx, then The Fate of the Furious is right down your oh so simple alley. But for me, I'd like a little foreplay before my tantric-sized orgasm, please.
Rating- 2 out of 10
The Fate of the Furious (2017)
PG-13 | 2h 16min | Action, Crime, Thriller | 14 April 2017 (USA)
When a mysterious woman seduces Dom into the world of terrorism and a betrayal of those closest to him, the crew face trials that will test them as never before.
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writers: Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson (based on characters created by)
Stars: Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson
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