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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Piece Of Shit Or Not?- The Fate of the Furious


Piece Of Shit Or Not? 

The Fate of the Furious

In this classic photo, Vin hasn't actually jumped this shark yet. YET.
Joe's Take- 
Dom's been a bad, bad boy! Due to unforeseen circumstances (or shitty writing), our favorite character in the franchise (that's still living) has turned to the dark side (oh no!)! So because family is so much more important than cool cars, hot bitches ("I smell, skanks."), and plausible story lines, the crew of over-acting homies are gonna team up with Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) and Handsome Rob (Jason Statham), to take down Dom's Succubus Monster (Charlize Theron) and bring him back to the garage. Expect to see giant wrecking balls, awkward kissing, and The Rock surfing on a torpedo as it launches from a deadly Russian submarine! I can barely keep my cool after bearing witness to all of this machismo awesomery! And that's just from the trailers! WWWHHHAAATTT!!!

My Prediction- Another one-up, another stretch of being taken seriously. Will this film have some charm? Yes. Will it once again honor the memory of Paul Walker? Probably. Will I find any redeemable qualities at all with this? Probably not. And lastly, should anyone ever drive an orange Lamborghini on a frozen Siberian (I think) lake? Don't answer that. I guess Tyrese didn't get the memo. I will find a way to enjoy this unnecessary cash grab, but don't expect me to call The Fate of the Furious anything other than a Piece Of Shit. Have the filmmakers ever seen the end credits of 22 Jump Street? Don't answer that one either.
P.S. If that bitch ass whiny Wiz Khalifa song comes on again, I'll be walking out early from the theater with at least two middle fingers raised.

Mike's Take -
As a "movie critic", it's difficult to watch movies a lot of the time. Nitpicking everything on the screen, getting angry at the bad plots, bad screen writing, Hollywood endings and lack of development. It's the main reason I have never gotten into the Fast and the Furious franchise. The only thing going for it, is the car chase scenes. Which are well done, but that doesn't carry the movie. Hell, why not just make a TV show where they recreate chase scenes and use up and coming directors to film them and then critique their style? BAM - trademarked and copyright right there. Call it "... And, ACTION!"

Getting back to the Fate of the Furious. The trailers show us everything we need to know about the movie. Here's another idea "Two Minute Movie", unlike a trailer, it's an entire movie in two minutes, where we don't need to know anything about the characters, just quick cuts from beginning to the end. It will save us time, money and more importantly, we can watch like 100 of these things without having to leave our house.

Sarcasm aside, the reason we keep getting these movies, is because WE KEEP PAYING FOR THEM. I can get beyond bad dialogue, bad plot structure, and bad acting, if the movie is entertaining. This franchise seems to go the extra mile, making each sequel worse than the previous movie. The last one had a car chase ON TOP OF FUCKING BUILDINGS. Literally, jumping from building to building.
This one has a submarine chasing a bunch of cars and Dwayne Johnson saying "we're gonna need a bigger truck".

Fuck. You.

What's next, a car chase, where all the vehicles are mounted on surf boards, being chased by a fleet of America's warships? I mean, they put skis on dirt bikes and drove them across water in XXX The Return of Xander Cage, so why not?
The Fate of the Furious has almost reached Smokey and the Bandit bad sequels (and a TV series) levels.

Maybe Sony can make a Smokey and The Bandit Vs. Fast and the Furious. I mean they are willing to make a 22 Jump Street meets Men In Black, so go that extra mile and really put out a piece of shit!

This movie can suck it.

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