Thursday, October 26, 2017

Geostorm Movie Review

Cinescape Magazine is a look at film, tv, comics, video games, and 70's, 80's and 90's nostalgia from the perspective of two normal average joe's that just love movies, in whatever form they come in.

Geostorm Movie Review
Warning- A shitty movie is ahead

"It's worse than we thought!"

After all of these years writing movie reviews, there's one thing that I've consistently taken for granted this whole time; my Regal Crown Rewards card (not an advertisement, I swear). Do you know how much money this thing has saved me? Every once in a while, I have earned enough points with it to get a free small soda, or even a small popcorn. Hell, for a small extra fee I can upgrade those to a large (ooh joy!). I can also save up my points and go online, where I can browse their many "must have" movie related items that they have to offer. The rewards are endless. If you want a Geostorm water bottle, a "one size fits all" Jigsaw t-shirt that's still three sizes too small, a The Nut Job 2 fidget spinner, a The Emoji Movie poster, or that amazing Boo 2! A Madea Halloween tote bag, then all you have to do is make thousands and thousands of trips to the movies every year (a Regal sponsored theater) to earn enough points for these treasures! Yet out of all of those many perks, there's one that I appreciate above all others; their free movie ticket program.

My Impression of Geostorm

Every couple of months or so, I've earned enough points to get a free movie ticket, which I normally use for films that I believe will probably suck the proverbial ass. Well Geostorm is the perfect movie for that program. The relief I felt as I walked out of that shoddy waste of millions and millions of dollars, knowing that not a single dollar of my hard earned money went towards it, was a feeling of near victory. I mean that I still had to suffer through the nearly two hours of viewing, and now I have to think more about it as I'm writing this cautionary tale for the mass public. I can honestly say that there is not a single redeeming quality with this film. Dean Devlin (Independence Day: Resurgence) has directed the impossible; a film more insulting to common sense than Michael Bay's last two Transformers films. At least with a disaster flick like San Andreas (which sucked), I could laugh at how stupid things were, but here it's literally painful to watch. The predictability, the piss poor writing, the half-assed visuals, and the forced emotional conflict, is enough to make me actually consider walking out on (which I never do). Don't let the trailers fool you; there's not a ton of disaster scenes. There's more like a couple at the beginning, followed by a "whodunit" plot on the space station that plays like a Dummy's Guide version of The Hunt for Red October, and ending with all of the big budget climate carnage. The problem is that half of the visuals look cheap and unrefined, so that even those can't be enjoyed. And don't look now, but there's another big bad evil American with an agenda to keep his country in control and he'll do whatever's necessary to accomplish it.

During the many scenes of dumb decision making, we have characters with dialogue that's nearly as dumb itself. Do you like Gerard Butler (300)? Well here you can hear him brag about his skills for the entire run time while he talks out of the side of his mouth like he's in stroke mode. Then there's his brother played by Jim Sturgess (21), who's conveniently engaged to a Secret Service agent played by Abbie Cornish (Robocop 2014), which will help out with the plot later on. Cornish's talent (amongst all others) is completely wasted as she's merely around for Sturgess to argue with about her job and fiance duties. And if you like some more arguing, then stick around for every scene between Butler and Sturgess, as they continuously blame each other for being shitty brothers (to each other). Well Ed Harris (Apollo 13) should make things better, right? Nope. Okay, but Andy Garcia's (The Untouchables) portrayal as the President has got to be good? Sorry, but no again. Not even a "blink and you'll miss him" appearance from the hilarious Eugenio Derbez (How to Be a Latin Lover), can salvage this failure. But hey, if you're into seeing a bunch of strangers cheering and high-fiving in a control room by the end of the film, then maybe Geostorm is the movie for you.

Geostorm Movie Review1
SPOILER ALERT!!! This is not in the movie. END OF SPOILER ALERT!!!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, of Geostorm

The Good- The entire film was in English, so that I didn't have to read any subtitles.

The Bad- I'm supposed to believe that only one guy knows the ins and outs of a climate control grid that surrounds the entire planet? And how in this day and age would that even be possible and/or economical to create? And aren't there millions of pieces of space debris flying around the planet at around eighteen thousand miles per hour that would obliterate such a grid, especially as they were trying to build it?

The Ugly- Did Butler just get scraped alongside the space station at high speeds while not receiving a single puncture in his spacesuit? I guess he had to survive so that he could have at least one more argument with his brother.

Final Thoughts

Geostorm is what you get when untalented filmmakers have a ton of money and reputation at their disposal, and the art suffers a little more each time because of it. Do not waste your time with this in any way whatsoever. Everything here has been done better by somebody else. This is no disaster film. It's just a disaster. Save your money, save your children, and save your sanity. Say no to Geostorm. Thank you Regal Rewards, I owe you big time. I sure hope they haven't run out of those fidget spinners.
Rating- 0 out of 10

Geostorm (2017)

PG-13 | 1h 49min | Action, Sci-Fi, Thriller | 20 October 2017 (USA)
Geostorm Movie Review2
When the network of satellites designed to control the global climate starts to attack Earth, it's a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide Geostorm wipes out everything and everyone.
Director: Dean Devlin
Writers: Dean Devlin, Paul Guyot
Stars: Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish 

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