Stop right there! You seriously do not want to buy a ticket!
"Do you remember the first time you saw a dinosaur? First time you see them, it's like... a miracle."
I remember the first time that I saw those dinosaurs in the original Jurassic Park. I was fifteen years old and there was a genuine sense of wonder at what Steven Spielberg and his talented crew were able to show us. With the sequels (The Lost World, Jurassic Park III), the wonder was mostly gone, yet there was still plenty of fun to be had. Even the first Jurassic World added a little something to the franchise. Not much, but a little. There was still some room to improve, until...
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom goes the wrong direction in so many ways. The director/co-writer of Jurassic World Colin Trevorrow (who also co-wrote Fallen Kingdom), is not a good writer. He may be able to put a film together, but there's a reason why his screenplay got rejected from Star Wars Episode IX (9) and J.J. Abrams (The Force Awakens) was brought back in his place. Regardless of how you may feel about Disney's handling of Lucasfilm, there's no denying that their ways are notches above half-assed and mediocre. As with many of today's entertainment, Fallen Kingdom ups the visuals while going down on the substance. Dr. Ian Malcolm's (Jeff Goldblum, Thor: Ragnarok) plastic lunch box statement has never rang more truer than here, so far. With the quality of writing that dwells somewhere near the depths of a Roland Emmerich/Dean Devlin production (Godzilla 1998, Independence Day: Resurgence), did Universal honestly believe that Trevorrow was the proper choice for their billion dollar franchise? Essentially, Fallen Kingdom is a rip off of The Lost World from start to finish. Dinos are being stolen off of the island, a dying old man has a glossy-wooded mansion, survivors from before are asked to come back under deceptive agendas, the wealthy bad guy meets a T-Rex and loses, and another city gets roared at. Sound familiar? The events of JP 2 & 3 are inconveniently ignored so that previously unknown characters from the past can be introduced, and that the red flags and directions that were already established before can be retconned. It's lazy bullshit, and we the fans end up paying for it in more ways than one. Hell, I even thought that the dinos were going to wink at the camera after every one on one battle.
Chris Pratt (Guardians of the Galaxy), Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village), Goldblum, and B.D. Wong (Focus) are all back strictly for the sake of familiarity and previous validations. In standby mode and with hardly any dialogue, Pratt is used as this fireproof hero who steps in at the last second to save whoever's in the current predicament. I mean the guy can lay by molten lava and run through pyroclastic flows with hardly a singe. He also can't be killed by darts full of dino-sized amounts of sedatives. Sure, I'll buy that. But don't ask me to accept that highly talented actors like James Cromwell (Big Hero 6), Toby Jones (Captain America: The Winter Soldier), Ted Levine (The Silence of the Lambs), and Rafe Spall (Black Mirror), are held down here to being only cheap throwaway characters. Not even Goldblum leaves a mark, evens when he delivers the cringe-worthy line that reeks of studio self promotion, "Welcome... to Jurassic World." Shut up, Jeff. The two annoying/useless kids from JW are left out this time (that's good), but then are replaced by a young nerdy tech wiz that screams in fear at everything like he's auditioning in front Kevin Hart (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle) or something (that's bad). The new trend is to have a hot tattooed chick with brains and attitude, so of course she gets thrown in as well (Daniella Pineda, The Vampire Diaries). Those two disappear for large chunks at a time, and I hardly seemed to notice or care. And why should I care when the intelligence levels of the story and many of the characters are questionably retarded? And where in the hell was all of the news coverage when this highly observed island was exploding? Oh, that's right. They were easily left out of the script so that the bad guys could whisk away with dozens of dinos and no witnesses. Did I also mention the rich criminal auction where unsavory foreigners bid tens of millions of dollars for our endangered reptilian friends? I'll spare you from that one. If only there were a Lysine Contingency for bad writing.
|I only picked this one cause it looks cool.|
Final ThoughtsJurassic World: Fallen Kingdom's dino action is a bit entertaining at times, however its piss poor handling of the franchise cannot be forgiven. In comparison to Spielberg's classic Jaws, Fallen Kingdom is the Jaws 3 and Jaws: The Revenge of the series. In simple terms, it Jurassucks. Save your money and go back to the 90's versions. There's just nothing to be excited about with these films anymore, not even the dinos. Things may get even worse though, because Trevorrow is rumored to be returning for the third Jurassic World as well. Whoopie.
Rating 1.5 out of 10
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)
PG-13 | 2h 8min | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi | 22 June 2018 (USA)
When the island's dormant volcano begins roaring to life, Owen and Claire mount a campaign to rescue the remaining dinosaurs from this extinction-level event.
Director: J.A. Bayona
Writers: Derek Connolly, Colin Trevorrow
Stars: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rafe Spall